Colon Hydrotherapy - Yep, it's a thing

Before I begin, I must warn the reader that this entire post pertains to poop and it being forcibly removed from my body. So, if you're not down with that, stop reading and go watch some puppies instead.

Colon Hydrotherapy

I don't know where I first heard about colon hydrotherapy (or simply called a "colonic"), but it's been bouncing around in the back of my mind for years. The idea behind it is that your colon has a lot of "remnants" that build up in your colon. A colonic is supposed to cure everything and improve life expectancy by 1000000000%. That all being said, I haven't seen much hard science backing this. There's even an episode of Bullshit by Penn & Teller talking about how they're, well, bullshit.

Let's break the phrase "Colon Hydrotherapy" down into its parts:

• Colon - your butt
• Hydro - water
• Therapy - someone's going to combine the two above and do something to you.

How does the therapist combine the two? Well, let me tell you...

1. Put a hose up your butt.
2. Pump water into your colon.
3. Suck out water and "remnants".
4. Repeat as needed.
5. Profit.

My Appointment

I haven't been this nervous for an event probably since my Ironman in 2011. I mean, come on, who even friggin does this for a profession? In general, my approach was to just not think about what I had signed up for. I kept looking for some excuse to not do this, but nothing ever came.

Waiting... Thinking it's a long hallway.

The woman that was doing this for (to?) me was very nonchalant about the whole thing. I said I had a basic understanding of what was going to happen, so she didn't really explain the basics.

The procedure room. You can see the bathroom in the back. Also, note the maxi-pad lookin thing on the bed

First thing was go to the bathroom (you know, for modesty) and change into a hospital gown with a completely open back. Once I came out I got up on the table, turned on my side, and up went the hose. I'll admit, this is the first time I've had something shoved up my butt, so I was a little hesitant, but it wasn't horrible.

Now came the water pumping. I couldn't really feel water pumping, per se, it was more a gradual buildup of pressure inside. She then switched it to suction mode to explain to me how I should "release" (yay for euphamisms). More-or-less, the guide for releasing is just lie back and think of England. She also mentioned to let her know if I felt any discomfort (seems innocuous, but important).

The machine.
Note the clear tube in the middle. That's where you can watch the flow.

She then switched it back to pump. After awhile I could definitely feel water on the exterior of my body, which is not something I was in favor of. I began to have a strong urge to poop. I let her know this and she switched it to suction mode. This is where I realized her telling me to let her know about "discomfort" was a critical part of the process.

The suction just felt like a gentle relieving of pressure. I was able to watch the poop flow through a tube in the machine as it happened, which was mildly disturbing.

This process repeated another half a dozen times or so until time was up. Throughout the whole time we just kind of chit-chatted.

At the end, she removed the tube, turned her back (again, modesty is important I guess), and I ran to the bathroom to finish releasing. I then had about 5-10 minutes of what felt like the worst diarrhea ever because it was just water and poo coming out.

TL;DR

Having a hose shoved in my butt and water pumped in and out wasn't exactly comfortable. I guess I can see why some people might be drawn to it, but I won't be doing it again. The science isn't there and I don't feel like spending a bunch of money.

2014-2015 list

Here it is folks, the next list and an thisanation of what it is and why I'm doing it. This list has only 1 carryover from last year's.

1. Randomly help 2 strangers - this means taking time out of my schedule to help someone else's day suck less
2. Develop a meditation practice - I've heard so much about it and wasn't too somehow incorporate it into my everyday life.
3. Call extended family once per month - I recently lost an aunt and I didn't like how that was the only time I talked to my cousin on the phone.
4. Come up with and execute a photography project - I'd like to be more creative, but it's not something that just randomly comes, you need to work at being creative (I think).
5. Learn to speed read - there's a lot of stuff I want to read and not enough time. So, let's do it faster! I currently read ~1 books a month, so let's turn it up to 3 books per month after I learn.
6. Troll a bunch of people in a positive way - I heard about this online where a guy just sent a bunch of text messages to people saying "you're wonderful" and got a bunch of cool responses.
7. Stage a roller coaster picture - I need help with something creative here folks!
8. Don't buy anything for a month - this means anything that I'm buying just for me and consumer purposes is off limits. My mortgage, utilities, and groceries are still okay to buy. Gasoline, clothes, Kombucha, etc are off limits.
9. Don't eat any added sugar for 30 days - I've tried this and failed numerous times, time to dominate. 
10. No internet outside of work for a week - way too addicted to the tubes, time to scale it back.
11. Read a book by someone with opposing views - it's easy to be convinced that you're right if you only read stuff that reinforces it.
12. Spend at least one night with the Amish - completely stolen from a buddy. I want to learn how to live a simpler life. Who better than the Amish to learn from?
13. Give a public presentation - sounds a bit scary which means it's a good thing to do. I do presentations at work, this will be outside of work.
14. Fruitarian (raw fruits and veg) for a week - see what it does to my bowels and how it affects how I feel. Angie will love this one...
15. Learn to do a freestanding handstand - this will take strength, skill, and accidentally breaking things while practicing.
16. Don't drive for a month - driving costs you money and makes you fat. Biking runs on fat and saves you money. 'nuff said
17. Interview my grandma - she has a lot of life lessons to give, let's harvest them!
18. Get a colonic - time to clean out those bowels. This will likely be the worst thing on the list. I am awaiting approval from Ben Greenfield first.
19. Ride a mechanical bull - not everything needs a good reason. Also, hicks....
20. Be naked in public - this might mean streaking, skinny dipping, or who knows what. However, it doesn't necessarily mean I have to do it in front of a crowd.
21. Volunteer 20 hours - 100 hours last time was pretty ambitious since I managed to get in about 5 hours. Time to stop being selfish.

30 before 30 in Review and GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS

As I posted previously, I finished 50% of my 30 before 30 list. Some of them were super hard, some I just didn't care about completing, and some of them I just thought were too expensive. All-in-all, I loved doing The List. As I look back on the previous year and think about the things that I enjoyed the most, they were the ones that I never would've done had I not had my list.

Here are some of the highlights of things that I wouldn't have otherwise done:

1. Milk a cow

2. Use a sensory deprivation tank

3. Decide that I probably want to become a Quaker
4. Go to an AA meeting

Because of the overwhelmingly positive and live changing experiences I had as a result of the list, I am going to make this a yearly thing. This time, however, I am just going to add items that sound interesting and not force myself into a certain number.

So, GIVE ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS. Here is what I'm looking for:

• Outside of my comfort zone
• Makes a great story
• Something I wouldn't have done without this concerted effort
• Doesn't cost a ton of money

Oh yeah, a bouncy castle was a pretty solid way to wrap up the year.

I'm 30, how far did I get on The List?

I'll write up a longer post later on reflecting on this past year, but it's my 30th birthday so I feel obligated to post how far I got. I'm happy to have completed exactly half.

Complete

1. 50 mile ultramarathon
2. Milk a cow
3. Visit top 10 things in Nebraska
4. GoRuck Challenge
5. Try out 12 new churches (I changed this to "find a good spiritual practice")
6. Sensory deprivation chamber
7. 150# bench press
8. 200# squat
9. Take a survival course 
10. Hit 30 states visited (must have at least driven through them) and make map
11. Smile more
12. Spend $75 per person on a meal for me and Angie (turned this into "spend as much as possible")
13. Grow a beard
14. Take a cooking class
15. Catch up with 1 friend every month that I haven't talked to in 1+ years

Incomplete

1. Volunteer 100 hours - that's a lot of time
2. Climb a 14er - tried and failed
3. 4-pack abs - too much cake
4. Lift Angie overhead - I hate Travis
5. 250# deadlift - boy howdy I'm weak
6. Build a simple orrery - boy howdy I'm lazy
7. 60 push-ups - this is hard
8. Hot air balloon ride - cost to me caring ratio is too high
9. Skydiving - cost to me caring ratio is too high
10. Visit a psychic - did you know psychics cost $100 for 30 minutes?
11. Learn to lucid dream - uhhh, lazy?
12. Artist's way for a month - gave up after 4 days. Took too much time
13. Not available publicly (NAP) - didn't care
14. NAP - didn't care
15. NAP - didn't care

Embrace the Suck - GoRuck Challenge (part 4 of 4)

This is part 4/4 on the GoRuck Challenge. Make sure to check out parts 1, 2, and 3.

The Pedestrian Bridge

As we got to the pedestrian bridge, we asked what our toll to cross the bridge was. The toll was to carry the ties above our heads across the bridge. I was concerned because my upper-body strength is subpar, so I felt that I was going to be a drain on the team. Both teams (tall group and small group) had rotations of 4 people and would swap out 2. We ended up going 1 or 2 squares of cement at a time and then we would take a break and swap people out. It was slow and exhausting work.

Look how much the big guys are struggling

Eventually we got to the Iowa/Nebraska border at the middle of the bridge. We stopped and our Cadre said that if we could hold the ties above our heads for a solid minute, then he had a treat for us. He also did a little shaming saying that we were grown men and should be able to hold these for a minute. Holding it for a minute wasn't actually too bad. I learned to just bend down a bit and lock out my elbows instead of using my muscles to hold it.

Once the minute had elapsed, the Cadre went into some diatribe about something or other without telling us to lower the ties. The tall guy group slipped a bit and he proceeded to berate us a bit more. He kept talking and talking while we held it. Finally, he said we could throw the ties in the river. Dammit that was fun. This was the 2nd best part of the event. Hilariously, the railroad ties came together in the river and didn't drift 6 ft apart.

Eff those things

To go across the rest of the bridge, we had to do an elephant walk where you grab the hand of the person in front of you through their legs (see picture below). Stupidly, I got behind the shortest guy, which meant I had to bend over a lot. One guy's lower back started cramping up enough that he almost dropped out. This had to have been a sight to see. The rest of the city was waking up and numerous people saw the most awkward group going across the bridge.

Is that your hand or are you just happy to see me?

To get back across the bridge, we then had to do a two-man casualty carry. I helped carry the lightest guy, so I had an easier time of this compared to the folks carrying 210# guys. This wasn't too terrible and we got back over the bridge much faster than it took to get across the first time.

Random biker got an interesting story to tell. Giant John was being lazy as usual...

Wrap it Up - Paying the Penalties

Over the course of the night, we accrued 5 penalties for various infractions. To make up for these we made our way back to the Gene Leahy mall and got to do 50 modified man makers. This involved throwing our backbacks into the water, doing a "push-up", and then lifting the bag overhead. Our packs were already 30-40lbs and they would fill with water every time we threw them into the water. This made the packs 50-60lbs.

Not particularly having fun here...

At about 18, I started to think that I was going to have to drop out. There was simply no way I could do 30 more. I told myself that the Cadre had something up his sleeve at halfway, so I just needed to get to 25. I got to 25 and there was nothing. So, I said I just needed to get to 30 and he would have something. We got to 30 and he told us to pause. I was so so so so happy that I didn't have to drop out right at the end.

We were given the opportunity to try to eliminate some man makers. Our first way to eliminate some was to have everyone sit in the water, link arms and then roll backwards to touch our feet behind our heads, and then roll back forward. We could eliminate one man maker for each one we successfully completed.

Notice both ends have a late start

Being on the end, this was actually pretty difficult because I didn't have anyone to pull me on one side. These kind of sucked because you got a bunch of water where it wasn't supposed to be as well as hit your head on the bricks under the water every time. We tried about 5 times and successfully did 2.

Next, could do an underwater leap frog sort of thing to eliminate 3 man makers. Everyone had to get into a downward facing dog sort of position and then each person would take a turn swimming through the line of people. This was actually pretty easy. You just had to be comfortable opening your eyes underwater.

Grab the wrists!

All-in-all, we eliminated 5 man makers. That wasn't the important part, the important part was that we had 20ish minutes of rest. I picked up my bag and started hammering them out. We got to 45 and the last 5 were switched to 8 count body builders. For me, these were immensely easier than man makers, so I was happy to switch.

Finally, he said we were finished. Everyone was all smiles. I wanted my dang patch for my bag. We went through a little patch ceremony and received our patches. Everyone then went to Wheatfields for breakfast and stunk up the place because they wouldn't let us sit outside. It was an exhausting, but fun night.

Best Velcro patch ever

Embrace the Suck - GoRuck Challenge (part 3 of 4)

This is part 3/4 on the GoRuck Challenge. Make sure to check out parts 1, 2, and 4.

Grabbing Some "Wood Fusion"

Our first mission was to go grab "wood fusion". We headed along the railroad tracks and grabbed 2 railroad ties, each of these weighed about 200lbs. We essentially carried these the rest of the night. We had a set of rules that applied to carrying these:

• They don't touch the ground unless told to
• They must not ever be more than 6 feet apart
• If we pass a body of water (ponds or fountains), we had to soak the wood
• If we go over a bridge, we have to pay a toll
• If we go over a bridge, but forget to ask the toll before heading over, we pay the toll twice.

We then headed off towards Freedom Park with the railroad ties. It took us a little trial and error to figure out the best way to carry the ties. The issue was having people of different heights made carrying them a bit challenging. We first split into two groups of tall and short (I was on the short group). The best method we ended up with was 2 people carrying each tie and regularly swapping people out. The swapping was actually pretty easy and didn't cost much additional effort. So, we would switch people out every 3-4 minutes. With this rotation, it wasn't too bad.

Our standard railroad columns throughout the night

Submerging the Railroad Ties

After awhile, we came across our first "body of water", which meant we had to soak the railroad ties. This happened to be a fountain in front of Gallup. Unfortunately, the fountain was only 4" deep. The first way we tried to soak the ties was to have everyone lower the ties into the water and then rotate them in the water. This didn't work well. We then realized that we could just run them through the fountain.

After we were done, the cadre inspected the ties but we didn't get the ties completely wet. So, this time we got to get ourselves completely wet by doing flutter kicks in the fountain. We then repeated our fountain strategy and made damn sure to get them soaked.

We got on our way again and came across a pond where we had to soak the railroad ties. This time, we realized the best way to do it was to just own up to getting wet. A few of us jumped into the pond and then had people on the shore hand us the ties. Once in the water, we just shoved them under and we were good to go.

Opportunistic Actions

We finally made our way to Freedom Park and got to set the railroad ties down while we took part in some "opportunistic actions". Opportunistic actions are a special ops term for when you already have forces on a mission and you want them to do an additional action while they're in the area.

No fishing going on here officer...

Our mission was to take out a boat. To do this, we had to take out the "guard house" first, before moving on. At this point our only light is the moon, so I had no idea what the Cadre is referring to, but other people seemed to know, so I went with the crowd.

Watch out ghost of Osama

We broke up into Alpha and Bravo (I was on bravo) teams and mimicked a raid on the "guard house". The guard house was simply an abandoned mobile home. This went down like the police raids you've seen on TV with people running up to the door and then busting through the door. Once inside we learned that the abandoned mobile home was primarily used for booze and pornography based on what was scattered on the floor.

After the guard house, it was time to take out the boat. I kept thinking that this wasn't actually going to be a boat since the "guard house" was a mobile home and we weren't really around any water. As we got closer, I saw that it actually was a boat. We ran up the gang plank and once I was on the deck there was a "holy crap" moment where I realized this was a legit boat. there were anti-aircraft guns and other types of firepower. It was the USS Hazard, which is an old WWII anti-submarine boat.

If they didn't want to be boarded, why did they leave the gangplank down?

This was easily the highlight of the night. Running around on top of an old school military ship in the middle of the night after many hours of exhaustion was a nice break. It was now time to head back.

Watch out Germany

To the Pedestrian Bridge

We hoisted up the railroad ties again and started to make our way to the pedestrian bridge. We passed the same two bodies of water that we dealt with before but did a much better job of soaking the ties. The ties seemed to be getting heavier and heavier, but I'm fairly certain that it was exhaustion setting in.

We got to a clearing and got to do some bonus activities with the ties. The first was to push a tie in groups of four about 75 feet. The key was that we had to push it, not roll it.

We then had to carry it back the other direction by doing a leap frog sort of thing lifting it above our chests.

The next section was an interesting bit of teamwork. We had to do 10 burpees, sprint down 50 yards, do 10 more burpees and sprint back. Our first one sucked, so the Cadre didn't count that one. Our second one set our team's target time. We then had to keep doing them until we beat that time. Unfortunately, we had one guy slowing us down every time. After about 3 more of not getting faster, we realized we needed to help the slowest person. This meant someone grabbed his ruck bag (remember, there's bricks in there) and carry it for him so he could keep up. Eventually we got it done.

On our trek to the pedestrian bridge at one point, I noticed the birds were singing. I was ecstatic because I knew the birds started singing at about 4:30am. Someone happened to see the Cadre's watch and said it was actually about 5:30. I was pretty happy about this news and was confident that I would make it through the event.

Check out parts 1, 2, and 4.

Embrace the Suck - GoRuck Challenge (part 2 of 4)

This is part 2/4 on the GoRuck Challenge. Make sure to check out parts 1, 3, and 4.

Welcome Party

Starting at 9:00pm on Friday night, the welcome party was the first 2.5 hours of the night. This is where we were "introduced" to our Cadre (our instructor for the night). I can confidently say this was the hardest part of the night. We had 2 people drop within the first hour. The welcome party is the "individual" portion of the night. After this point, it was entirely team oriented.

Our welcome party was at the Gene Leahy Mall in downtown Omaha. This was a fun little spot because the Taste of Omaha was going on just a couple blocks away, plus it was a Friday night; so, we had a lot of onlookers. First there was a simple inspection of our bags to ensure we had the necessary additional weight (6 bricks), proper safety lights/reflectors, ID, cash, and water.

Opening our bags for inspection. Notice the water to the right

After the inspection, we were all told to get into the water. Most of us got into the water with a little more trepidation than our cadre liked (if you've seen the water at the Gene Leahy Mall, you would too). We were instructed to get back in, but this time like we meant it. Thankfully, we learned this lesson quickly and we all more-or-less canonballed in. After this, we were told that anytime we heard "INCOMING", we were to stop what we were doing and jump in the water.

Now it was time to start our "calisthenics". Remember, all of these exercises were done with our 30-40lbs packs on. The Cadre chose our first team leader which was, thankfully, not me. Later on, I realized that this team leader had the hardest stretch of the night. She had to deal with figuring out the group (other team leaders mimicked some of the stuff she did) as well as keep us in synchronization through the calisthenics.

A few guiding rules for the calisthenics:

• If we weren't synched up the Cadre would call out "zero" and we would have to start at the beginning.
• Our team leader needed to make sure to keep an appropriate pace for the group
• If we needed to rest, we needed to let the team leader know

The calisthenics consisted of the following (in no particular order):

• Jumping jacks - I'm fairly certain we did over 400 jumping jacks. My quads started to fatigue after the first 100 or so, but they weren't too bad.
• Hamstring stretches - These were a nice little break from the other activities, nothing crazy here.
• 8 count body builders - The hardest part of this exercise was keeping in synch with the rest of the class.
• Squats
• Lunges - these were walking lunges where we had to hang on to the person's pack in front of us. This is where we started having to work as a team because 2 lines of 8 people each need to work together to move in such close quarters
• Pushups - We had 25 pushups, these were the hardest part of the night. I thought for sure I was going to have to quit simply because of these stupid things. We weren't allowed to break these up. The resting position was still a plank, not on your knees. So, the only option was to bust them out. I saw several other people "snaking" in their pushups, so I started to as well. Without doing this, I couldn't have done the 25 without resting. Thankfully, these were the last strict pushups we had for the night.

Lunges across the bridge

During this time, I felt a little like puking and a lot like quitting. One of the main things that kept me going was that I had come with a friend and I was the one that had this dumb idea in the first place. I kept thinking about how I had kept going during my 50-miler and my strategies for that simply didn't work here. In the 50 miler I just had to keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other and I would make progress. I didn't have that here.

A bunch of "incomings" and their corresponding canonballs were thrown in the mix here. Eventually we got through it. It was time to go grab some water.

Indian Run

We had two modes of transportation during the night, indian runs and carrying railroad ties (more on that later). We worked our way through downtown to the closest place to buy some water, all the while doing an indian run. This was interesting doing it at midnight in downtown. As we were doing this, I kept thinking about how many girls military men must get. We weren't even military, but a lot of girls thought we were and were fawning over us.

We made our way to Cubby's, I peed in an alley, and nothing else much happened. Once we got some water and Gatorade (something I haven't drank in years), it was time for our next mission. We were to get to our destination within 20 minutes, otherwise we would get a negative mark (which we pay for at the end of the night).

Along our way, we came across some grass with the sprinklers going. The Cadre felt the best way to go by these was to get on our bellies and army crawl along the grass. I disagreed with his assessment, but got down anyway. We made it to our destination but were 2 minutes shy of our time goal, giving us our first demerit of the night. Time to get some "Wood Fusion".

I think you underestimate the sneakiness...

Check out parts 1, 3, and 4.